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It was dark now and Neanderdad’s offspring were slumbering.  With his mate out of the house running errands, Neanderdad had a rare moment of quiet to collect his thoughts.  Quiet, that is, save for the incessant jingling of the dog collar as the dog chewed nervously at his paws.  This was a habit that the beast had practiced with gusto since the arrival of the children, and it drove Neanderdad to distraction.  Neanderdad endeavored to ignore this irritant as he gazed out the window and down across the valley below his dwelling.

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Be memorable.  That had been Neanderdad’s parenting goal that day.  It was, perhaps, a bit self-serving.  But that was his goal nonetheless.  So he had taken his daughter on a special trip to the riding stables to feed carrots to the horses.  She talked about it glowingly for the rest of the day as if it perhaps would be a lasting memory.  For the boy, it had been batting practice with the tee.  His swing was developing quite impressively.  Neanderdad had been out there for a long time, patiently coaching him.  Perhaps the boy wouldn’t remember these specific lessons, but someday that swing would shine under the lights and he might vaguely recall his dear old dad’s involvement.  Such were Neanderdad’s fantasies, anyway.   Continue reading →

No figure in the mythology of Neanderdad’s culture held more sway with the little ones than a certain bearded, red-suited, chuckling, jolly-old-elf.  Neanderdad knew this well.  So it was with some dismay that he rode the Christmas Train with his family and looked over the man who claimed to be Santa Claus. First, this one was much thinner than the archetype.  Second, his red and white suit had a thin, threadbare quality.  Third, the fake black boots were sewn onto the pant legs and did not completely cover a pair of brown street shoes.  Fourth, his stringy, artificial beard hung unevenly on his black-beard-stubbled face.  Fifth and finally, his baritone chuckling and ho-ho-ing were forced, as if his voice truly belonged in a higher register.   Continue reading →

Upon arriving at the umpteenth straight weekend birthday party for a play-group friend of his offspring, Neanderdad did what he always did. He released his two wards into the intense gravity of the nearby Bouncy Castle and watched them get sucked inside. The boy went first, not even bothering to struggle. The girl did at least look around; at the food, the table full of presents and at the few kids who weren’t yet inside. But she quickly succumbed as well, crawling through the flap door and onto the inflated inner surface.   Continue reading →

Their long journey was almost over now. Almost. Neanderdad stared wearily at the road before him, his thick knuckles tightly gripping the steering wheel. His mate sat grimly beside him, a wrinkled bag of Goldfish crackers clutched in one hand and an assortment of rejected children’s music CDs in another. Not a word passed between them. They shared the silent bond of endurance. Continue reading →

“When is it coming?” the girl asked.

Neanderdad and his wife shook their heads. They didn’t know. And so, on a pair of rocks beside a parking lot, between the train tracks and a pathway to the beach, the whole family waited.  Only the slightest of ocean breezes blew. The sun shined down benignly on them, unable to penetrate either the sea mist in the air or the layer of sunblock shielding the children. A seagull cried out in the distance. In a feat of patience that Neanderdad knew would never be reproduced on demand, the children simply sat. Continue reading →

Neanderdad closed in on a long-legged bug as it bounced spastically against the living-room wall.  He held a tissue in one hand and a rolled magazine in the other.  He was ready to strike.  This was Neanderdad on his game;  he was focused, in the moment and on the hunt.  The dog stood beside him, a slight wagging of the tail showed his endorsement of the venture. Neanderdad’s offspring stood on either side of him, their bodies half turned in preparation to flee if the insect made a menacing move.
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Neanderdad looked around nervously before unloading the boy from the car. There was barely a soul in the outer parking lot at the community center where he took his 2-year-old son to swim, but he felt that a thousand eyes were upon him. The boy pointed excitedly at an airplane flying by and called out loudly, “Airplane.”

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Neanderdad was the protector. In a panic, he lurched across the room toward his son, stumbling over the dog that had sprawled inconveniently on the carpet. The boy was maddeningly agile for an 19-month-old and Neanderdad had been looking in another direction for a microsecond too long. In that moment, the boy had climbed onto the sofa and bridged the gap onto the living room coffee table. He now tottered gleefully over the hardwood floor like a drunken cliff diver.  Neanderdad just managed to grasp him in midtopple, earning the reward of a stubbed toe on the table corner. Continue reading →