NEANDERDAD

~ Tales of Primitive Parenting

NEANDERDAD

Tag Archives: funny

Neanderdad Finds A Perfect Christmas Tree

23 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by Garrett Rice in Essays

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Child, childhood, children, Christmas, Christmas Tree, family, father, fatherhood, funny, girl, humor, mother, motherhood, neanderdad, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, son

When the last piece of Thanksgiving pumpkin pie had been served and eaten, Neanderdad’s offspring quickly turned their full attention to the last and most important holiday on the calendar—Christmas.  And the very next day, with the warm light of November still shining down upon them, Neanderdad and his family were walking through a large field full of christmas trees, trying  to find one that they all agreed upon. Continue reading →

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Neanderdad Serenade

29 Friday Aug 2014

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

bedtime, Child, childhood, children, dad, daughter, family, father, fatherhood, funny, girl, humor, kids, mom, mother, motherhood, neanderdad, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, serenade, sing, singing, song

It started out as a short-term solution to a temporary problem.  The girl couldn’t sleep, perhaps, wouldn’t sleep.  And she was adamant that based on her current state of agitation that she might never sleep.  Such was the effect of a little girl’s swirling, conflicted thoughts after a busy day.   So Neanderdad tried to calm his daughter down. He sat in her darkened room.  He spoke to her in soothing tones.  He tried to lead her mind to calmer waters with carefully crafted questions and mollifying observations.  And then, when that didn’t work, he decided to sing her a song.    Continue reading →

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Neanderdad and the Violin

23 Friday May 2014

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Child, childhood, children, dad, daughter, family, father, fatherhood, funny, girl, humor, kids, music, neanderdad, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, teacher, violin

“I want to learn the violin, daddy.” The girl said one day.

“Hmm.” Neanderdad had replied.

Then Neanderdad took no further action.  These whimsical requests of hers were quite common. Neanderdad had not responded to her request to get a pet cat or to quit school either.   So time had passed.  Then the girl approached him again.

“Daddy, I want to learn the violin.” She said this more insistently.  Continue reading →

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Neanderdad the Betrayer

25 Saturday Jan 2014

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

boy, Child, childhood, children, dad, family, father, fatherhood, funny, hospital, humor, mom, mother, motherhood, neanderdad, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, son, surgery, tonsils

The boy didn’t understand. That’s what made it so painful for Neanderdad and his mate. They had explained to the boy what was about to happen, but the boy couldn’t conceive of it. So the boy didn’t worry. He exhibited only the slightest apprehension and any concerns he might have harbored quickly evaporated in the bright heat of the boy’s natural ebullience.  Continue reading →

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Neanderdad Out In Public

21 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

childhood, children, dad, daughter, family, father, fatherhood, funny, humor, kids, mother, neanderdad, offspring, parenthood, Parenting, parents, son

“I don’t like that man,” said the girl, her voice echoing loudly through the indoor pool facility.  Then, as if that wasn’t enough, she hitched her thumb in the man’s direction.  Neanderdad quickly grabbed her hand and pulled it down.  Then Neanderdad shook his head at his daughter in an attempt to silence her.   There was only one person in the jacuzzi besides them, so there was no mistaking who she meant.  A glance at the man in question confirmed to Neanderdad that the man was pretending he hadn’t heard.   Neanderdad would have gone pink with embarrassment if the hot water hadn’t already turned him lobster-like red.  Continue reading →

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Neanderdad Before and After (but not During)

08 Friday Feb 2013

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

bicycle, bike, Child, childhood, children, dad, danger, daughter, family, father, fatherhood, funny, girl, humor, kids, mother, motherhood, neanderdad, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, pet, riding, sibling, son, work

The children orbited around Neanderdad.  They made small circles, large circles, ovals, figure-eights and paraboloids.   They rode clear across the giant expanse of tarmac that covered the playground of the local middle school, then swung back toward him pedaling furiously, as if to charge him.  In every case, as they drew near, the would swerve at the last moment, missing him.  Then they would laugh and call out to him. Continue reading →

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Neanderdad and the Greatest Gift Of All

24 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

boy, Child, childhood, children, Christmas, Christmas Tree, dad, danger, daughter, dog, family, father, fatherhood, funny, Gifts, girl, humor, kids, mother, motherhood, neanderdad, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, pet, sibling, son, work

It was that time of year again.   A large conifer had been imported into Neanderdad’s dwelling.  The tree blocked normal travel routes across the living room.  It also to make the house that much more susceptible to fire.  Flimsy lightbulbs on sketchy wiring were strung on the dry, tinder branches of that tree to ensure maximum combustibility.   Similar lights were attached to every eave and gutter of the wooden dwelling and blinked all through the drizzling, short-causing winter night.  Neanderdad, ever one to worry, tried to ignore this menace and focused instead on what went under the tree.  For the little ones, this was the gift season, most of all. Continue reading →

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Neanderdad Goes To Work

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

boy, Child, childhood, children, dad, danger, daughter, dog, family, farewell, father, fatherhood, funny, girl, humor, kids, mother, motherhood, neanderdad, office, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, pet, sibling, son, work

There is a time when a hunter must go hunting.  This was that time for Neanderdad.  He needed to get out to the office and slay a mammoth.  He was dressed for the hunt.  He had prepared.  A conference room full of colleagues awaited his arrival.  But, alas, Neanderdad simply could not get out of the house.

Neanderdad struggled with the doorknob, a backpack dangling unevenly from his shoulder and work papers stuffed dubiously under his arm.  The dog, eager to get outside, tried to squeeze past him and through the door as it opened.   Neanderdad had to drop a hip to bock him.  This made the backpack even more unbalanced and Neanderdad tottered.  But what presented the gravest challenge were his offspring.  They pulled him back inside with all their might.   After a morning of fully ignoring his presence, Neanderdad’s offspring had suddenly rediscovered the irreplaceable allure of their father.  They now gripped him fiercely. Continue reading →

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Neanderdad at the Water’s Edge

17 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

beach, boy, Child, childhood, children, dad, danger, daughter, family, father, fatherhood, funny, girl, humor, kids, mother, motherhood, neanderdad, ocean, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, sea, sibling, son, waves

The monstrous waves broke violently in front of Neanderdad’s offspring, half blocking the horizon, shaking the ground and causing the air to shudder.   The children darted forward and retreated before the tumult, two tiny, shivering imps daring a beastly sea in flowered swimsuits.  Behind them, forgotten, lay the warm, dry beach, their towels and Neanderdad.   Despite his entreaties, the children eschewed him—and safety—to stand instead in the path of these seething, lunging mountains of ocean.

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Neanderdad the Monster

24 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

anger, baseball, boy, Child, children, dad, danger, daughter, family, father, fatherhood, funny, girl, humor, kids, monster, mother, motherhood, neanderdad, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, sibling, sibling rivalry, son, stranger

Neanderdad was three monsters that day.  That was more than usual.  Playing one monster during the course of the day was actually quite normal.  In fact, even two monsters was quote common for Neanderdad, for what child doesn’t like to be safely frightened?  But three monsters were a lot.  And in the end, three monsters were too many.

The first monster was a Fort Monster.  The children hid in the fort they had built with pillows and a chair.  Neanderdad the Fort Monster menaced them from the carpet beyond—the carpet being the magical barrier that blocked him from tearing the flimsy affair down with one swipe of a meaty paw.  Occasionally, when Neanderdad had growled off away from the fort, one or both of his offspring would peek out from the fort to confirm his separation then dash out into the open to grab something of value, like perhaps a cherished toy.  Neanderdad would then turn suddenly, ‘notice’ them, roar loudly and chase them.  The children would scream in imaginary fear and run back to safety.  Neanderdad would stop at the flimsy walls of the fort.  It was covered in magic monster repellant, of course.  Then he would howl in frustration at missing the chance to eat them.  The children would laugh uproariously and taunt him from the safety of their keep.

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