NEANDERDAD

~ Tales of Primitive Parenting

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Tag Archives: dad

Neanderdad at the Water’s Edge

17 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

beach, boy, Child, childhood, children, dad, danger, daughter, family, father, fatherhood, funny, girl, humor, kids, mother, motherhood, neanderdad, ocean, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, sea, sibling, son, waves

The monstrous waves broke violently in front of Neanderdad’s offspring, half blocking the horizon, shaking the ground and causing the air to shudder.   The children darted forward and retreated before the tumult, two tiny, shivering imps daring a beastly sea in flowered swimsuits.  Behind them, forgotten, lay the warm, dry beach, their towels and Neanderdad.   Despite his entreaties, the children eschewed him—and safety—to stand instead in the path of these seething, lunging mountains of ocean.

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Neanderdad the Monster

24 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

anger, baseball, boy, Child, children, dad, danger, daughter, family, father, fatherhood, funny, girl, humor, kids, monster, mother, motherhood, neanderdad, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, sibling, sibling rivalry, son, stranger

Neanderdad was three monsters that day.  That was more than usual.  Playing one monster during the course of the day was actually quite normal.  In fact, even two monsters was quote common for Neanderdad, for what child doesn’t like to be safely frightened?  But three monsters were a lot.  And in the end, three monsters were too many.

The first monster was a Fort Monster.  The children hid in the fort they had built with pillows and a chair.  Neanderdad the Fort Monster menaced them from the carpet beyond—the carpet being the magical barrier that blocked him from tearing the flimsy affair down with one swipe of a meaty paw.  Occasionally, when Neanderdad had growled off away from the fort, one or both of his offspring would peek out from the fort to confirm his separation then dash out into the open to grab something of value, like perhaps a cherished toy.  Neanderdad would then turn suddenly, ‘notice’ them, roar loudly and chase them.  The children would scream in imaginary fear and run back to safety.  Neanderdad would stop at the flimsy walls of the fort.  It was covered in magic monster repellant, of course.  Then he would howl in frustration at missing the chance to eat them.  The children would laugh uproariously and taunt him from the safety of their keep.

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Neanderdad in the Moment (Children Missing)

17 Sunday Jun 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

attention, Child, children, dad, danger, daughter, father, fatherhood, focus, humor, kids, mom, mother, neanderdad, parent, Parenting, parents, son

Where had the children gone?  Neanderdad looked around the playroom, puzzled.  He could have sworn his two young offspring had  just been playing there, but the room was childless.  An abandoned toy train lay spinning on its side in the corner.  Its forlorn whirring was the only sound that filled an otherwise silent room.   The dog remained.  The beast watched him pensively, its eyes flickering toward the hallway and then back. Neanderdad scratched his shaggy head in bewilderment.  The children had gone missing again. Continue reading →

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Neanderdad Honestly Considered

29 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

belly, children, dad, family, fat, fatherhood, hunter, kids, neanderdad, offspring, parent, Parenting, pride, son

It had been a great day of hunting.  Many mammoths had been slain.  Neanderdad had reigned supreme at work.  Now Neanderdad departed his cubicle stronghold and returned home triumphantly.  He strode into his dwelling, strong, tall and commanding.  Sensing his ebullience, the dog greeted him at the door spastically, leaping up at him as if to lick off some of his success.  The children too seemed to sense his splendor, rushing gleefully to hug him.  Even Neanderdad’s mate, swamped with her efforts to staunch domestic chaos after her own workday, took time to join in Neanderdad’s jubilant homecoming, giving him a hug, kiss and smile.  Neanderdad’s was truly a hero’s return. Continue reading →

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Neanderdad and the Sincerest Form of Flattery

04 Wednesday Jan 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

children, dad, family, fatherhood, imitation, kids, morning person, neanderdad, offspring, parent, Parenting, son

Still in his pajamas, Neanderdad sat slumped at the breakfast table. He sipped groggily at the caffeine leaching from the tea bag in his cup. He scratched at his unkempt, shaggy head. He rubbed his puffy, sleep-blurred eyes. Then he scowled slightly at the bright sunlight. Never a morning person, Neanderdad was famously grumpy before noon. His family had learned to adjust to that reality and give him space. But this day, because the girl had left early with her mother, Neanderdad was alone with the boy. Neanderdad now worried that his morning distemper would lead to a poor bonding experience. Continue reading →

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Neanderdad by Example

25 Sunday Sep 2011

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

children, dad, family, fatherhood, kids, neanderdad, offspring, parent, Parenting, sibling rivalry

The first amber leaves of Fall dotted the surrounding trees.  Darkness started to creep earlier into each passing day.  So too did signs of darkness appear in the dwelling of Neanderdad, the shaggy, primordial parent of two.  Little ones were learning the power and perils of their negative emotions and Neanderdad was determined to be the beacon of light to lead his offspring through this tempestuous season.

First came the boy.  His tantrum was unexpected, abrupt and violent.

“Got my lip balm.  In my pocket,” he had proudly proclaimed, prior to the incident. He had patted his pants pocket for emphasis, a broad smile on his face.

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Neanderdad Starts A Rivalry

31 Sunday Jul 2011

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

children, dad, family, fatherhood, kids, neanderdad, offspring, parent, Parenting, sibling rivalry

Now came troubles to Neanderdad’s house.    The worst kind of troubles.   A civil war had erupted between the girl and the boy.   Now came insults and slights, jabs and needling, attacks and reprisals.   Two sweet children, so recently full of love for each other, had now devolved into demons bent on mutual harm.   The siblings had become rivals.   Neanderdad had been the catalyst.

It had all started so innocently.  Neanderdad found himself lacking in the advanced motivational skills required to get his children efficiently through their bedtime routine.  And whereas Neanderdad wanted his offspring to proceed forthwith to the bathroom for bathing and the brushing of teeth, and with the children being opposed to said bureaucratic necessities, Neanderdad was therefore compelled to develop a technique for expediting things.   It was a technique that he mistook for brilliance.  It consisted of a single word.

“Race?” He had said. Continue reading →

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Dad is Thy Co-Pilot

16 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Garrett Rice in Essays

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

children, dad, family, fatherhood, kids, offspring

Motherhood.  Its not a job for the faint of heart.  And you mothers that read this newsletter are in the toughest part of the toughest job.  The early years are simply brutal.  Day by day, you are struggling to pull it all together against formidable challenges.  Luckily, most of you have a co-pilot to help share the load.  And, as it turns out, it is that time of year when the world, led by Hallmark, turns it gaze of appreciation toward the co-pilot and makes him the guest of honor on that copycat of holidays, Father’s day.

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Neanderdad Flies Solo

14 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

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Tags

children, dad, family, fatherhood, kids, neanderdad, offspring

“Have a great time,” she said with a smile.  And it was the smile that worried Neanderdad the most.  Was it part humor?   Part pity?   Or perhaps part apprehension?  He wasn’t quite sure.  But it worried him him.  And after flashing that cryptic smile, Neanderdad’s mate rolled her luggage out the front door and into the night, leaving him completely, utterly, irrevocably alone.

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Neanderdad Takes A Trip

24 Thursday Mar 2011

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

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Tags

children, dad, family, fatherhood, kids, neanderdad, offspring

“Miss you,” The girl said.  Then the boy said it.  Then his mate said it too.  There was some hugging and kissing through the open doors of the car.  There was one more quick wave to the children.  Then Neanderdad was away and strolling through the terminal, rolling bag in tow and a spring in his step.    The usual hassles surrounded credentials, luggage and lines didn’t bother him a bit.  The crowds didn’t bother him.  The overuse of cologne by strangers didn’t bother him.  Nothing bothered him.  Neanderdad was basking in the glorious glow of freedom.  He pondered this absently as he put his shoes into a plastic bin.

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