NEANDERDAD

~ Tales of Primitive Parenting

NEANDERDAD

Tag Archives: fatherhood

Neanderdad Goes To Work

26 Friday Oct 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

boy, Child, childhood, children, dad, danger, daughter, dog, family, farewell, father, fatherhood, funny, girl, humor, kids, mother, motherhood, neanderdad, office, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, pet, sibling, son, work

There is a time when a hunter must go hunting.  This was that time for Neanderdad.  He needed to get out to the office and slay a mammoth.  He was dressed for the hunt.  He had prepared.  A conference room full of colleagues awaited his arrival.  But, alas, Neanderdad simply could not get out of the house.

Neanderdad struggled with the doorknob, a backpack dangling unevenly from his shoulder and work papers stuffed dubiously under his arm.  The dog, eager to get outside, tried to squeeze past him and through the door as it opened.   Neanderdad had to drop a hip to bock him.  This made the backpack even more unbalanced and Neanderdad tottered.  But what presented the gravest challenge were his offspring.  They pulled him back inside with all their might.   After a morning of fully ignoring his presence, Neanderdad’s offspring had suddenly rediscovered the irreplaceable allure of their father.  They now gripped him fiercely. Continue reading →

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Neanderdad at the Water’s Edge

17 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

beach, boy, Child, childhood, children, dad, danger, daughter, family, father, fatherhood, funny, girl, humor, kids, mother, motherhood, neanderdad, ocean, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, sea, sibling, son, waves

The monstrous waves broke violently in front of Neanderdad’s offspring, half blocking the horizon, shaking the ground and causing the air to shudder.   The children darted forward and retreated before the tumult, two tiny, shivering imps daring a beastly sea in flowered swimsuits.  Behind them, forgotten, lay the warm, dry beach, their towels and Neanderdad.   Despite his entreaties, the children eschewed him—and safety—to stand instead in the path of these seething, lunging mountains of ocean.

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Neanderdad the Monster

24 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

anger, baseball, boy, Child, children, dad, danger, daughter, family, father, fatherhood, funny, girl, humor, kids, monster, mother, motherhood, neanderdad, offspring, parent, parenthood, Parenting, parents, sibling, sibling rivalry, son, stranger

Neanderdad was three monsters that day.  That was more than usual.  Playing one monster during the course of the day was actually quite normal.  In fact, even two monsters was quote common for Neanderdad, for what child doesn’t like to be safely frightened?  But three monsters were a lot.  And in the end, three monsters were too many.

The first monster was a Fort Monster.  The children hid in the fort they had built with pillows and a chair.  Neanderdad the Fort Monster menaced them from the carpet beyond—the carpet being the magical barrier that blocked him from tearing the flimsy affair down with one swipe of a meaty paw.  Occasionally, when Neanderdad had growled off away from the fort, one or both of his offspring would peek out from the fort to confirm his separation then dash out into the open to grab something of value, like perhaps a cherished toy.  Neanderdad would then turn suddenly, ‘notice’ them, roar loudly and chase them.  The children would scream in imaginary fear and run back to safety.  Neanderdad would stop at the flimsy walls of the fort.  It was covered in magic monster repellant, of course.  Then he would howl in frustration at missing the chance to eat them.  The children would laugh uproariously and taunt him from the safety of their keep.

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Neanderdad in the Moment (Children Missing)

17 Sunday Jun 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

attention, Child, children, dad, danger, daughter, father, fatherhood, focus, humor, kids, mom, mother, neanderdad, parent, Parenting, parents, son

Where had the children gone?  Neanderdad looked around the playroom, puzzled.  He could have sworn his two young offspring had  just been playing there, but the room was childless.  An abandoned toy train lay spinning on its side in the corner.  Its forlorn whirring was the only sound that filled an otherwise silent room.   The dog remained.  The beast watched him pensively, its eyes flickering toward the hallway and then back. Neanderdad scratched his shaggy head in bewilderment.  The children had gone missing again. Continue reading →

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Neanderdad and the Five Stages of Grief

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

children, family, father, fatherhood, humor, marriage, mother, neanderdad, offspring, parent, Parenting, parents

Neanderdad tried to convince himself that the writing had been on the wall, that the signs had been there for him. But in truth, he was taken completely unawares. Certainly he’d seen it happen to other fathers and husbands. He’s seen other proud men reduced to pitiful creatures as a consequence. But Neanderdad never suspected that this…THING…could actually happen to him. Yet there was his wife, daring to breathe that abominable word during this hallowed time. Continue reading →

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Animated Neanderdad by 321FastDraw!

06 Friday Apr 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Videos

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Tags

321Fast Draw, Animation, father, fatherhood, frustration, humor, mom, motherhood, neanderdad, parent, Parenting, video

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Neanderdad Honestly Considered

29 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

belly, children, dad, family, fat, fatherhood, hunter, kids, neanderdad, offspring, parent, Parenting, pride, son

It had been a great day of hunting.  Many mammoths had been slain.  Neanderdad had reigned supreme at work.  Now Neanderdad departed his cubicle stronghold and returned home triumphantly.  He strode into his dwelling, strong, tall and commanding.  Sensing his ebullience, the dog greeted him at the door spastically, leaping up at him as if to lick off some of his success.  The children too seemed to sense his splendor, rushing gleefully to hug him.  Even Neanderdad’s mate, swamped with her efforts to staunch domestic chaos after her own workday, took time to join in Neanderdad’s jubilant homecoming, giving him a hug, kiss and smile.  Neanderdad’s was truly a hero’s return. Continue reading →

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Neanderdad and the Sincerest Form of Flattery

04 Wednesday Jan 2012

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

children, dad, family, fatherhood, imitation, kids, morning person, neanderdad, offspring, parent, Parenting, son

Still in his pajamas, Neanderdad sat slumped at the breakfast table. He sipped groggily at the caffeine leaching from the tea bag in his cup. He scratched at his unkempt, shaggy head. He rubbed his puffy, sleep-blurred eyes. Then he scowled slightly at the bright sunlight. Never a morning person, Neanderdad was famously grumpy before noon. His family had learned to adjust to that reality and give him space. But this day, because the girl had left early with her mother, Neanderdad was alone with the boy. Neanderdad now worried that his morning distemper would lead to a poor bonding experience. Continue reading →

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Neanderdad by Example

25 Sunday Sep 2011

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

children, dad, family, fatherhood, kids, neanderdad, offspring, parent, Parenting, sibling rivalry

The first amber leaves of Fall dotted the surrounding trees.  Darkness started to creep earlier into each passing day.  So too did signs of darkness appear in the dwelling of Neanderdad, the shaggy, primordial parent of two.  Little ones were learning the power and perils of their negative emotions and Neanderdad was determined to be the beacon of light to lead his offspring through this tempestuous season.

First came the boy.  His tantrum was unexpected, abrupt and violent.

“Got my lip balm.  In my pocket,” he had proudly proclaimed, prior to the incident. He had patted his pants pocket for emphasis, a broad smile on his face.

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Neanderdad Starts A Rivalry

31 Sunday Jul 2011

Posted by Garrett Rice in Neanderdad Tales

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

children, dad, family, fatherhood, kids, neanderdad, offspring, parent, Parenting, sibling rivalry

Now came troubles to Neanderdad’s house.    The worst kind of troubles.   A civil war had erupted between the girl and the boy.   Now came insults and slights, jabs and needling, attacks and reprisals.   Two sweet children, so recently full of love for each other, had now devolved into demons bent on mutual harm.   The siblings had become rivals.   Neanderdad had been the catalyst.

It had all started so innocently.  Neanderdad found himself lacking in the advanced motivational skills required to get his children efficiently through their bedtime routine.  And whereas Neanderdad wanted his offspring to proceed forthwith to the bathroom for bathing and the brushing of teeth, and with the children being opposed to said bureaucratic necessities, Neanderdad was therefore compelled to develop a technique for expediting things.   It was a technique that he mistook for brilliance.  It consisted of a single word.

“Race?” He had said. Continue reading →

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